Sunday, April 29, 2007

Do me, you filthy bee

Image hosted by Photobucket.comGood night! I know that flowers are the genitalia of the plant world, but come on! With its heart shaped 'tongue', its lower petals, coyly crossed, looking as if they're wearing thigh high garter stockings pulled up to plump little buttocks - Georgia O'Keefe only wishes she could paint something so suggestive.

By the way, this little strumpet is the Highland Masdevallia.

Do me, you filthy bee

Image hosted by Photobucket.comGood night! I know that flowers are the genitalia of the plant world, but come on! With its heart shaped 'tongue', its lower petals, coyly crossed, looking as if they're wearing thigh high garter stockings pulled up to plump little buttocks - Georgia O'Keefe only wishes she could paint something so suggestive.

By the way, this little strumpet is the Highland Masdevallia.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Mannequin 2 - On the Move

Image hosted by Photobucket.comI got a call the other day from a man who wanted a local mannequin manufacturer. When I could find no evidence of the company he angrily disputed my spelling of mannequin, insisting the word was spelled "manican." I told him that there was no company with either spelling and he seemed crestfallen. He then asked for the closest manufacturer. He wasn't interested in used mannequins, or mannequin stores. Only a manufactuer would do.

Eeeewwww. I got the creepiest vibe from him. There was this unseemly, yearning excitement in his voice, and I got the impression that he needed to speak to a manufactuere was going to make himself the perfect woman, manufactured to his specifications, one with a specially placed...pocket. Or perhaps he's going to give dress it up in fancy dress and keep a jar with a pickled human head next to it in a car in a storage unit like in Silence of the Lambs.

Mannequins have been the stuff of nightmares to me since that Twilight Zone episode about the mannequin on furlough. Those wretched Andrew McCarthy movies about them certainly didn’t improve my opinion of them either.

Quit staring at me!!! Quit it! Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Mannequin 2 - On the Move

Image hosted by Photobucket.comI got a call the other day from a man who wanted a local mannequin manufacturer. When I could find no evidence of the company he angrily disputed my spelling of mannequin, insisting the word was spelled "manican." I told him that there was no company with either spelling and he seemed crestfallen. He then asked for the closest manufacturer. He wasn't interested in used mannequins, or mannequin stores. Only a manufactuer would do.

Eeeewwww. I got the creepiest vibe from him. There was this unseemly, yearning excitement in his voice, and I got the impression that he needed to speak to a manufactuere was going to make himself the perfect woman, manufactured to his specifications, one with a specially placed...pocket. Or perhaps he's going to give dress it up in fancy dress and keep a jar with a pickled human head next to it in a car in a storage unit like in Silence of the Lambs.

Mannequins have been the stuff of nightmares to me since that Twilight Zone episode about the mannequin on furlough. Those wretched Andrew McCarthy movies about them certainly didn’t improve my opinion of them either.

Quit staring at me!!! Quit it! Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The Presumptuousness of Memory

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A young man called the other day.

Hello, I’m trying to use the library’s databases to access the Wall Street Journal but the system won’t accept my library card.

All right, let’s try to see what's going. Please read me your library card’s barcode.

He rattled off a long number that wasn't even in the ballpark of one of my system's cards.

Hmmm. That doesn’t sound like one of ours. What you gave me has about 5 more digits than what ours have. Are you sure that the card is from our system? Did you ever lose your card and have it replaced?

No, this is definitely the card for your system. It even had expired and I had it renewed about 2 weeks ago.

Let me look you up by name. Well, you’re in the system, but that’s definitely not your card number. How odd. Let me read you your card number we have for you in our system.

That's definitely not my card number for your system. I couldn't be more sure.

How mysterious. What color is your card? Perhaps it’s some really old card and we’ve changed the system of barcodes to a shorter sequence.

Oh, I don’t know. I don’t have the card in front of me. It’s at home and I’m calling from work so I’m reading the barcode from my memory. I'm sure. I have a photogenic memory.

Photogenic memory? Well, I think we’ve found the problem. (heavy sigh)

Wow. Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m working through my brain’s little troubleshooting flowchart, I at least try to see what I might be doing wrong on my end BEFORE I WASTE SOMEONE’S TIME AND MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A TOTAL JACKASS.

The Presumptuousness of Memory

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
A young man called the other day.

Hello, I’m trying to use the library’s databases to access the Wall Street Journal but the system won’t accept my library card.

All right, let’s try to see what's going. Please read me your library card’s barcode.

He rattled off a long number that wasn't even in the ballpark of one of my system's cards.

Hmmm. That doesn’t sound like one of ours. What you gave me has about 5 more digits than what ours have. Are you sure that the card is from our system? Did you ever lose your card and have it replaced?

No, this is definitely the card for your system. It even had expired and I had it renewed about 2 weeks ago.

Let me look you up by name. Well, you’re in the system, but that’s definitely not your card number. How odd. Let me read you your card number we have for you in our system.

That's definitely not my card number for your system. I couldn't be more sure.

How mysterious. What color is your card? Perhaps it’s some really old card and we’ve changed the system of barcodes to a shorter sequence.

Oh, I don’t know. I don’t have the card in front of me. It’s at home and I’m calling from work so I’m reading the barcode from my memory. I'm sure. I have a photogenic memory.

Photogenic memory? Well, I think we’ve found the problem. (heavy sigh)

Wow. Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m working through my brain’s little troubleshooting flowchart, I at least try to see what I might be doing wrong on my end BEFORE I WASTE SOMEONE’S TIME AND MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A TOTAL JACKASS.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

If you've got a rockin' bone in your body...



E created this Youtube tribute to Billy Jack after being deeply inspired by John Parr's 80s power ballad Naughty Naughty.

The reviews of John Parr on Amazon are hilarious and appear to be written by Jim Anchower, my favorite Onion columnist.

If I had my own country, this would be the national anthem.That's what my girlfriend recently said to me while we were listening to John Parr's Don't Leave Your Mark On Me. I have to agree. I can imagine it at the olympics. All the other countries are introduced with their bland and boring national anthems. And then...Don't Leave Your Mark On Me. That would be the ultimate.

If you've got a single rocking bone in your body, you need this album in your collection - simple as that.


There was in 1984 and this was the first song on a mixed tape continuing with Don Henley's "All she wants to do is dance", then Glenn Frey's "The heat is on".

Will Ferrell as washed up monster Glenn Frey in the H. is O.

If you've got a rockin' bone in your body...



E created this Youtube tribute to Billy Jack after being deeply inspired by John Parr's 80s power ballad Naughty Naughty.

The reviews of John Parr on Amazon are hilarious and appear to be written by Jim Anchower, my favorite Onion columnist.

If I had my own country, this would be the national anthem.That's what my girlfriend recently said to me while we were listening to John Parr's Don't Leave Your Mark On Me. I have to agree. I can imagine it at the olympics. All the other countries are introduced with their bland and boring national anthems. And then...Don't Leave Your Mark On Me. That would be the ultimate.

If you've got a single rocking bone in your body, you need this album in your collection - simple as that.


There was in 1984 and this was the first song on a mixed tape continuing with Don Henley's "All she wants to do is dance", then Glenn Frey's "The heat is on".

Will Ferrell as washed up monster Glenn Frey in the H. is O.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

It’s Hard out Here for an Information Professional

We work the reference desk in teams. The other day one of the security guards strolled up and leaned into the desk. I was stationed with a colleague who resembles me, enough so that patrons often confuse us.

“A patron complained that one of you, he wouldn’t say which one, is calling his daughter in Los Angeles and telling the most despicable lies about him.”

He motioned his head toward the security gates. A man dressed in a long brown monk’s cowl was peeking out from behind one of the gates, glaring at us.

“Oh, please assure him that we would never do such a thing.”

“By all means.”

The security guard winked at us and returned to the man.

My colleague and I had a good laugh until I thought about how our patron might try to teach one of us a lesson about slander by splitting our skulls open with the hickory walking staff he is allowed to bring in the library. Fatalism is a good philosophy for this job and one of my favorite tenets is “worry is the misuse of imagination" but sometimes it’s hard not to brood to despondency.

It’s Hard out Here for an Information Professional

We work the reference desk in teams. The other day one of the security guards strolled up and leaned into the desk. I was stationed with a colleague who resembles me, enough so that patrons often confuse us.

“A patron complained that one of you, he wouldn’t say which one, is calling his daughter in Los Angeles and telling the most despicable lies about him.”

He motioned his head toward the security gates. A man dressed in a long brown monk’s cowl was peeking out from behind one of the gates, glaring at us.

“Oh, please assure him that we would never do such a thing.”

“By all means.”

The security guard winked at us and returned to the man.

My colleague and I had a good laugh until I thought about how our patron might try to teach one of us a lesson about slander by splitting our skulls open with the hickory walking staff he is allowed to bring in the library. Fatalism is a good philosophy for this job and one of my favorite tenets is “worry is the misuse of imagination" but sometimes it’s hard not to brood to despondency.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Career Highlights

A few years a colleague cut through a rather lonesome, out-of-the-way section of the back offices. When she turned a corner she saw one of the older librarians primly seated at a typewriter typing on index cards. The librarian was so absorbed in her task that she was completely oblivious to the naked man not five feet behind her, curled in a fetal position on the floor, weeping and masturbating furiously.

“Sir,” my colleague hissed as she froze in her tracks. “Members of the public are not allowed in the staff area! You must leave this instant!” He stopped, shot her a poignant, wounded look, gathered his clothes and wandered off, sniffling.

After the man had wandered away the librarian suddenly ceased typing, whipped around and glared at my colleague, as if to rebuke her for disturbing her. My colleague looked at the librarian, a mean, spinsterish, prune faced woman, the kind who had probably never seen an erect penis in her life.

“I'm sorry, but there was a man – oh, never mind. Sorry to disturb you.”

Career Highlights

A few years a colleague cut through a rather lonesome, out-of-the-way section of the back offices. When she turned a corner she saw one of the older librarians primly seated at a typewriter typing on index cards. The librarian was so absorbed in her task that she was completely oblivious to the naked man not five feet behind her, curled in a fetal position on the floor, weeping and masturbating furiously.

“Sir,” my colleague hissed as she froze in her tracks. “Members of the public are not allowed in the staff area! You must leave this instant!” He stopped, shot her a poignant, wounded look, gathered his clothes and wandered off, sniffling.

After the man had wandered away the librarian suddenly ceased typing, whipped around and glared at my colleague, as if to rebuke her for disturbing her. My colleague looked at the librarian, a mean, spinsterish, prune faced woman, the kind who had probably never seen an erect penis in her life.

“I'm sorry, but there was a man – oh, never mind. Sorry to disturb you.”

Friday, March 30, 2007

Every Woman Loves a Fascist (Architect)

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Instant Message Transcript:
Patron: Hi, I am high school teacher from Germany. I am studying a lot about America at school and would need access to the newspaper database to get articles. Right now I am doing a project on the 1992 race riots ... which means I would need original newspaper articles from back then. Is there any way to be allowed access to your databases from Germany?

Librarian: I apologize, but those databases are accessible only to our library card holders, whose tax dollars pay for them. (I provided her with a link to our cardholder eligibility)
Best regards!


Patron: Is there a way to get a card even from abroad? Through friends in the city or something? Is there any way you can make a special case for me? I need these articles.

Librarian: I apologize, but no. That violates are terms with the databases. It would be illegal for me to do so.

Patron: Illegal such as your country’s war in Iraq?


GRRRRRRAAAAAAHHH. Believe me, I loathe this neocon quagmire as much as the rest of the world, but I will not have a GERMAN getting on her high horse with me, especially for reasons so petty and self serving.

This reminds me of a New York Times article I read about piracy and intellectual property rights in China. When the journalist asked a Chinese publisher about rampant piracy in China, the publisher "plunged into a polemic about my exterminating the American Indian, angrily stabbing his palm with his finger.” Marriage counselors call this "everything and the kitchen sink" fighting, and highly discourage against it. Instead, they encourage couples to stay on the topic at hand and not drag the past into the current discussion.

Don't you just, in spite of yourself, love this Nazi propaganda poster here? I hate to admit it but this sort of fascist architecture - so sheer, so sleek, so streamlined - has always made me a little weak in the knees.

Pynchon is incomprehensible to me and previous attempts to tackle his works have led to tears of frustration but I might have to revisit him after I read sentences with brilliant similes like this:

"With his own private horrors further unfolded into an ideology of the mortal and uncontinued self, Brock came to visit, and strangely to comfort, in the half-lit hallways of the night, leaning in darkly in above her like any of the sleek raptors that decorate fascist architecture." Thomas Pynchon, Vineland.

Every Woman Loves a Fascist (Architect)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Instant Message Transcript:
Patron: Hi, I am high school teacher from Germany. I am studying a lot about America at school and would need access to the newspaper database to get articles. Right now I am doing a project on the 1992 race riots ... which means I would need original newspaper articles from back then. Is there any way to be allowed access to your databases from Germany?

Librarian: I apologize, but those databases are accessible only to our library card holders, whose tax dollars pay for them. (I provided her with a link to our cardholder eligibility)
Best regards!


Patron: Is there a way to get a card even from abroad? Through friends in the city or something? Is there any way you can make a special case for me? I need these articles.

Librarian: I apologize, but no. That violates are terms with the databases. It would be illegal for me to do so.

Patron: Illegal such as your country’s war in Iraq?


GRRRRRRAAAAAAHHH. Believe me, I loathe this neocon quagmire as much as the rest of the world, but I will not have a GERMAN getting on her high horse with me, especially for reasons so petty and self serving.

This reminds me of a New York Times article I read about piracy and intellectual property rights in China. When the journalist asked a Chinese publisher about rampant piracy in China, the publisher "plunged into a polemic about my exterminating the American Indian, angrily stabbing his palm with his finger.” Marriage counselors call this "everything and the kitchen sink" fighting, and highly discourage against it. Instead, they encourage couples to stay on the topic at hand and not drag the past into the current discussion.

Don't you just, in spite of yourself, love this Nazi propaganda poster here? I hate to admit it but this sort of fascist architecture - so sheer, so sleek, so streamlined - has always made me a little weak in the knees.

Pynchon is incomprehensible to me and previous attempts to tackle his works have led to tears of frustration but I might have to revisit him after I read sentences with brilliant similes like this:

"With his own private horrors further unfolded into an ideology of the mortal and uncontinued self, Brock came to visit, and strangely to comfort, in the half-lit hallways of the night, leaning in darkly in above her like any of the sleek raptors that decorate fascist architecture." Thomas Pynchon, Vineland.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Fragile Patrons

Image hosted by Photobucket.comA patron called and wanted to know the details of Adam Walsh's disappearance and murder. As my colleague read her an account, the patron began emitting these huge, choking sobs .

"S-s-sorry. It's just so suh-uh-ad!"

I think we can all agree it was a sickening tragedy, but how does such a sensitive soul cope in this world? A lot of our patrons seem this way. Blake put it best:

"Some are born to sweet delight, Some are born to endless night."

(This is my one of my other favorite fragments of poetry)

"Sweet is true love though given in vain, and sweet is death that taketh away pain."

I was riding my bike the other day and I spotted two silver haired gentleman, obviously a couple, slowly strolling arm and arm on the sidewalk. They were both dressed quite elegantly in classic summer suits. The were like two elegant old queens off to some grand Southern social event - Christopher Isherwood and Tennessee Williams on their way to the steeplechase races. One of the men was frailer than the other and shuffled and leaned on his friend for support. It was then I noticed that he had the vacant stare of someone completely lost to senile dementia. Something about the gentle and patient way his friend escorted him, and the special care that he took dressing him for their evening walk, made me burst into tears.

Fragile Patrons

Image hosted by Photobucket.comA patron called and wanted to know the details of Adam Walsh's disappearance and murder. As my colleague read her an account, the patron began emitting these huge, choking sobs .

"S-s-sorry. It's just so suh-uh-ad!"

I think we can all agree it was a sickening tragedy, but how does such a sensitive soul cope in this world? A lot of our patrons seem this way. Blake put it best:

"Some are born to sweet delight, Some are born to endless night."

(This is my one of my other favorite fragments of poetry)

"Sweet is true love though given in vain, and sweet is death that taketh away pain."

I was riding my bike the other day and I spotted two silver haired gentleman, obviously a couple, slowly strolling arm and arm on the sidewalk. They were both dressed quite elegantly in classic summer suits. The were like two elegant old queens off to some grand Southern social event - Christopher Isherwood and Tennessee Williams on their way to the steeplechase races. One of the men was frailer than the other and shuffled and leaned on his friend for support. It was then I noticed that he had the vacant stare of someone completely lost to senile dementia. Something about the gentle and patient way his friend escorted him, and the special care that he took dressing him for their evening walk, made me burst into tears.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Suffering for your Art

From the NYT's review of Vollman's latest:
"For decades, and at great personal risk, Vollmann has made a calling and a career of mixing with people whom most of us avoid and of listening, at length, to the unheard, whom he typically, and appropriately, pays to speak to him."
This is especially true while he was researching The Royal Family and Whores for Gloria. He immersed himself in San Francisco's Tenderloin, went native and smoked crack and paid prostitutes to have sex with him. And not just once but many, many, many times, just to be sure what if felt like so he could write with the authenticity of experience. What selfless dedication to his craft!

Suffering for your Art

From the NYT's review of Vollman's latest:
"For decades, and at great personal risk, Vollmann has made a calling and a career of mixing with people whom most of us avoid and of listening, at length, to the unheard, whom he typically, and appropriately, pays to speak to him."
This is especially true while he was researching The Royal Family and Whores for Gloria. He immersed himself in San Francisco's Tenderloin, went native and smoked crack and paid prostitutes to have sex with him. And not just once but many, many, many times, just to be sure what if felt like so he could write with the authenticity of experience. What selfless dedication to his craft!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Image hosted by Photobucket.comPoor, poor Spoon was not invited to the little girl next door’s party. She spent the day sighing heavily as she watched the little dressed up girls run around the yard and eat cake.

Spoon really needs a stripping. She now resembles an extremely fuzzy, extremely poisonous caterpillar. When she walks her hair ripples and undulates just like the stinging hairs of a caterpillar. If I catch her out of the corner of my eye for an instant I’ll get a panicked, insane urge to smash her with my shoe.


Image hosted by Photobucket.comI had a similar problem with some oven mitts E’s mother gave us for Christmas last year. They were yellow and black, the exact same color combination of yellowjackets, a particularly vicious, territorial species of wasps that infested my home town. (One of the high school’s mascot was even named the Yellowjackets). We hung the mitts up next to the stove and every time I walked by and caught that flash of yellow and black the primitive part of my brain would scream, “DANGER, AGONY, STINGING, RUN” and I would jump out of my skin. They were great mitts but they upset me so much we finally had to give them away.

Spoon on blender cleaning detail:
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Image hosted by Photobucket.comPoor, poor Spoon was not invited to the little girl next door’s party. She spent the day sighing heavily as she watched the little dressed up girls run around the yard and eat cake.

Spoon really needs a stripping. She now resembles an extremely fuzzy, extremely poisonous caterpillar. When she walks her hair ripples and undulates just like the stinging hairs of a caterpillar. If I catch her out of the corner of my eye for an instant I’ll get a panicked, insane urge to smash her with my shoe.


Image hosted by Photobucket.comI had a similar problem with some oven mitts E’s mother gave us for Christmas last year. They were yellow and black, the exact same color combination of yellowjackets, a particularly vicious, territorial species of wasps that infested my home town. (One of the high school’s mascot was even named the Yellowjackets). We hung the mitts up next to the stove and every time I walked by and caught that flash of yellow and black the primitive part of my brain would scream, “DANGER, AGONY, STINGING, RUN” and I would jump out of my skin. They were great mitts but they upset me so much we finally had to give them away.

Spoon on blender cleaning detail:
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Library Record as Window to the Soul

I know I am breaking a cardinal rule of blogging by updating my blog so pathetically infrequently. I am continuing to suffer from post partu...