Awww, I wasn't going to kill her...

A big thank you to E for downloading this picture of the lawn dart scene from Reno 911! that features Reno resident dirtball and “Captain of Suspicious Behavior” Big Mike who, despite having a lawn dart protruding from his skull, still valiantly clutches his beer.

Big Mike is one of the many fabulous recurring characters on Reno 911!. Reno's police officers frequently respond to complaints of domestic violence or disturbances of the peace at Big Mike's residence. In my favorite episode featuring Big Mike, Lt. Dangle holds a scavenger hunt, the prize being two tickets to an execution later that evening. As Deputy Travis Junior explains, this is a particularly desirable prize because “getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR on the front row, except you *know* Jeff Gordon's gonna die.”

Scavenger Hunt Items
Crackhead with a wig- 5pts.
Perp over 6'5"- 10pts.
Man with teats (B cup or larger) - 5pts.
Best looking hooker- 15pts.
Red foreign car- 5pts.
Perp with animal tattoo- 5pts.
Double Points if perp is Jewish

As the officers canvass Reno in search of items on the scavenger hunt, Dangle and Travis visit Big Mike because they heard rumors that either his sister or his common law wife recently gave him a tattoo. They drive up and find Big Mike sitting in a chair watering his weed and trash choked lawn with a hose. They hassle and provoke Big Mike, who sprays them with his water hose. They use that as excuse to tackle him so they can check out his tattoo. After they lift his shirt up they are disappointed to discover that Big Mike’s tattoo is that of a dragon, and while they have Big Mike’s face shoved in the dirt they debate whether the dragon will count since it’s a mythical beast. Big Mike insists that the tattoo, which is on his trunk, is that of a panther. He twists his neck to look at it and realizes for the first time that the tatoo is a dragon. In a rage, he escapes the officers and charges the house, threatening to kill his sister for not giving him the correct panther tatto. The officers subdue him and handcuff him. “Awwww, I wasn’t going to kill her, I was just going to f*ck her up,” Big Mike confesses sheepishly as they lead him away to the squad car.

Come to think of it, Reno's finest should have started at the library; if they had, they would have completed the hunt in about 5 minutes.