Friday, July 28, 2006


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My colleague walked by a bag lady squatting and pissing outside the steps of the library before we opened. "Now be a gentleman and don't look!" she cackled.

Up in the periodicals room, a I saw a homeless man who looked just like Aqualung reading and surrounded by a pile of open men’s fashion magazines. He looked like he hadn't bathed since the Reagan administration, but he was studying GQ for the latest in summer wear like he was cramming for a test.

On the steets outside the library I saw a man dressed in a business suit, jabbering self importantly into the latest in pretentious cell phone technology, a man who epitomized the 21st century version of Master of the Universe. Two steps behind him was a shirtless Asian man carrying two buckets on a yoke, like a coolie straight out of some time worm hole from the 19th century. Frequent and bizarrely incongruous sights like these are why I love this city!

At the civic auditorium near the library, my colleague saw a bunch of girls exiting in procession from their graduation ceremony, still in their robes, lighting up and passing around joints.

A smartly dressed young business woman clicked up on her heels to the desk. “I accidentally left my copy card in the Xerox machine, 3 times in one week, and so I’m out the money! I would like to be reimbursed, but that clerk over there said that I would have to take it up with the vending company. I want my money back.” She leaned in and gave me an unpleasant smirk. “I'm willing to take this to court if need be.” She then slapped her hand on the desk. The total amount she was out due to her own careless absentmindedness? $3.00. It helps to have a healthy sense of the absurd here, which I do, so instead of grabbing a golf pencil and stabbing her through the hand for being such an unreasonable, grossly entitled skank I just gave her a bemused stare and took her complaint form.

My colleague was on the phone with a woman for a few minutes, exchanging pleasantries and renewing her books. She interrupted him, “Now wait a minute! Am I talking to a machine?”

A woman with frizzy blonde hair dumped the contents of her purse on the reference desk. “I can’t find my card!” She began to sniffle and tear up. “I’m sorry, it’s just been the worst day. I just can’t believe it. Nothing is going right and I have to get on a computer.” She began sorting through the mound of detritus from her purse - lipstick blotted papers, old receipts, empty checkbooks. She reminded me of Mia Farrow at her sniveling worst. Even though we’re trying to make signing up for the computer completely self service, I said, “Here – I’ll sign you up. What is your password?”

She looked up at me, her eyes welling with tears, “Lucky.”

Since the humor in this site reminded me a lot of your own, I thought I would leave you a link to something that makes me laugh almost as much as you do.
I found myself drawn into each character.
i was somewhat distressed earlier when the phone rang and a voice didnt answer.
i thought i was going to get some attention,
but alas,
no such fucking luck
just the usual engaged or line off the hook noise on the other end
so i hang off the edge of the cliff of life and wait for another chance to ressurect my reputation with a real person
lifes like that i found, after researching a bit of romance in my bookshelves and video collectiion
i especially liked brigett jones diary and pride and prejudice,
when i cried myself to sleep the other nite i woke on a wet pillow

more of me
I randomly found your website and found myself engrossed in your stories... I wish you would come back and write some more!
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