'Tis the Season

For schizophrenics to call the library.

"Library information? How may I help you?"

"Get me Ted Turner's mailing address."

While I was looking up the information, he began muttering under his breath, "Cops, library security, Bill Gates, no one will loan you a dime if you've been arrested. No one will loan you a goddamn dime. Why can't I get any money?"

Later that hour:

"Library information."

"OK, I'm reading this book and I've got to know if this is really true. Who was the first woman to interview a president of the United States in the nude?"

"Are you asking if the president was nude, the female conducting the interview or both?"

"The president, the president was in the nude! The first time a woman interviewed a president he was in the nude. It's in the book! It's in the book! I got it from the library. I read all about it. I want to make sure it's not stolen. It contains some really amazing stuff. There's a chapter about a woman who ran against another president on a platform ticket of orgasms. She believed in shorts skirts, orgasms and national childcare. There is some really important stuff in this book. It's called Nymphos and other Maniacs, but I'm afraid this book will be stolen. Has the library's copy been stolen? HAS THE LIBRARY'S COPY BEEN STOLEN?"

"We have several copies. I wouldn't worry about it, although I really appreciate your concern. The book is by Irving Wallace, who's usually pretty reliable. I would trust him. You have a good day."