Stepmom of the Year

The other day on the phones: "Um, yeah? Do you, like, handle the obituaries of the state?"

“Do you need an obituary? What is the date or time period?”

“Yeah, I need a couple of them. They’re within the last couple of months or so. They’re of my stepkids. They drowned in some kind of boating accident. I don't know the date, though.”

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that.”

“See, my husband? He’s in the penitentiary, so he can’t look for no obituaries. But I can’t get them from the kids’ mother, so someone said to check with y’all.”

“Well, let me check some news databases.”

While I searched, I could hear over the phone the reaction of the Maury Povich studio audience to a guest’s positive paternity test, until that was drowned out by the barking of at least 6 lapdogs.

When the dogs quieted, I asked, “Do you mind turning your television down a bit? Thanks! Well, I looked up the name in our local newspaper, a national newspaper database and even SSI death records. There was no mention of anyone of that last name dying or even involved in a boating accident. Are you sure it happened in this city?”

“Well, 6 people drowned, supposedly! I don’t know what city it was in! I just know that it happened somewhere in your big ass state! I tried to put it in Google but it was just ridiculous what I got back. Jesus Christ, the innernet was the biggest waste of time. I tell you...” Sound of smoke exhalation.

“I’m sorry. I can give you the number of the Vital Records Office. Perhaps they can help you locate the Death Certificates. Call back if you get the exact date and we’ll go from there.”