Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Merry XXXmas 

A friend of mine in Virginia had a shiftless, ne’er do well uncle who had had estranged himself from his entire family. My friend had only met his uncle once in his life because the uncle, after drifting around for years, had settled far away in Nebraska to work in the dog food factories of Purina Mills. My friend’s grandfather's time was drawing near and his estranged son realized that he better begin insinuating himself back into his father's graces before the distribution of the estate. With visions of a future prodigal son's tearful welcome home as well as a sizable inheritance, he sent a home video for the Virginia family to watch as a Christmas card/peace offering. The VHS tape arrived and the Virginia family all gathered around to watch their uncle and his fifth or sixth wife’s holiday video.

Unfortunately, the uncle was so cheap that he chose to reuse a tape rather than waste a fresh one. It's a shame that he chose to economize in this way, because as the tape began the entire family was treated to raunchy amateur porn starring their uncle and his current wife, who had apparently setup a tripod in front of their bed. After about 5 seconds of "Your Friends and Neighbors" style lovemaking the tape cut off, followed by some static and the scene the uncle obviously meant to send, of him in a Santa Hat waving to the camera, giving a tour of his home decorated with Yuletide cheer.

My friend and his sister howled and screamed with laughter, while their mother said with prim fury, "I don't find that funny AT ALL." The grandfather just turned ashen, so I doubt the uncle succeeded in ingratiating himself.

there is officially nothing that can top that (well, spare Virginias Uncle..pun intended). I am going to share this story with anyone who will listen.

Happy Christmas to you Foxy. Thank you for making 2004 soooo deliciously scandalous. You're the best.

YOU, have a merry Christmas!!!
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