Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Boob Fan 

A few years ago back when I had just started with this system and I was callow I worked an evening shift as the only librarian at a quiet branch. The evening had not been going well. The police had come in and conducted a lengthy and disruptive interrogation of a homeless man who was at the computer right next to the reference desk. Someone complained earlier that she had seen this man killing and roasting pigeons outside the library on a small makeshift spit, which apparently violates some sort of city ordinance. The man was truculent and uncooperative, and the police finally hauled him away after they ran his name through their computers and found out that there were several warrants for him. After that unpleasantness was over and things had finally quieted down I received a phone reference question.

"Yeah. I'm calling long distance from Texas. I need some reference help."

"Sure, I'll see what I can do, but may I ask why you aren't calling your local library?"

"They won't help me anymore. I need to know if that actress, that one with the gigantic tits, if she's still alive. I think her name is something like Busty or Titty. She has blonde hair."

My first thought was that this was about to degenerate into a very obscene phone call or that it was a practical joke. But, because I can be paranoid, I began to fear that this might be some sort sort of quality control test. I immediately imagined a committee of library administrators at the other end on the phone line, testing my composure and judging my professionalism by the manner in which I dealt with this unusual reference question.

Using the clues he offered, I did a Google search using the keywords blonde gigantic breasts movie star  and somehow came up with Chesty Morgan. She had been the star of several B exploitation movies. She was best known for Deadly Weapons, in which she seeks revenge against the mob by weilding her 73" breasts, the "deadly weapons" of the title. In this case she uses them as suffocation devices, not weighty nunchucks as I would have assumed. What a way to go.

When I offered the name Chesty Morgan he shouted,

"Yeah! That's the one, that's her! Is she still alive?"

I searched the newspaper databases and I couldn’t find any obituaries and her sites didn't mention her death, so I told him that she was most likely still alive. He replied,

“She is? Then I need her phone number. I want to ask her out to dinner.”

I told him that I couldn't do that, and for privacy reasons that she most likely had an unlisted number, so I gave him the address of one of her fan clubs.

Eager to end the phone call so he could start to work on his fan letter/ invitation to dinner, he thanked me and hung up.

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