Wednesday, March 03, 2004

An open letter to my fellow male students at Bikram's Yoga College of India

Unless you are a competitive swimmer, Speedos are unacceptable attire at any time, at any place. Let me qualify that: even if you are a competitive swimmer, speedos do not belong in the yoga studio. Nor do manties, tanksuits, thin cotton boxers, or those weird boxer/brief hybrids. The sort of apparel is not pleasing to the ladies. It's repellent. You know what is pleasing? A sense of modesty, decorum, and decency. Those baggy surfer shorts that hit the knees are functional and attractive. Buy some.

I know that you're cognizant of the waterfall of liquid coursing down your arm onto the carpet. Not only is sweat potentially pathogen bearing, it is corrosive. It also makes an ugly stain. My former studio had to close down for days while the owners had to tear up and replace the carpet and part of the floor boards all due to one prodigious, insensitive sweater. Be a decent human being and bring an extra towel and position it so your sweats hits it.

Suffer in Silence! No groans, moans, or other vaguely creepy sexual noises. It's aural harrassment, and you know it. Stop it.

Gum chewing is a vile and trashy habit at any time, but it's just stupid and reckless during Bikram, since there's a strong chocking hazard during the inverted poses. Be considerate and  sensible. If you’re still so firmly stuck in the oral fixation stage of development that you have to chew gum at all times then it's time to see a therapist so you can move on.

Back waxing is not just for the homosexual/metrosexual anymore. If a toddler can grab your back hair by the fist full and swing playfully on it, it’s time to do something about it. There are many (practically) pain free options available. Explore them.

While I'm in Savasana, do not flick or drip sweat on me while as you walk by me on your way out.

You are just another bigot who thinks women's bodies are magnificent things that should be celebrated and men's bodies are disgusting and should be covered up. Men's bodies can be just as beautiful as women's bodies. If you think a man's junk between his legs is so revolting, then you are either a lesbian or a plain old prude. I hope that you and every other shrill wench like you ends up lonely and untouched by a man. Because that's what you deserve by being such a hater.
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