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Monday, March 22, 2004

MALFEASANCE!

As I predicted, we were thoroughly routed during our first game against Red Fish Blue Fish. We did manage to score one point toward the end of the match, though, and, in a demonstration of class and spirit, celebrated in the endzone by spiking the Frisbee, thrusting our pelvises savagely into the air a bunch of times, and then doing a spirited Highland Fling. Take that, RFBF! I did the exact same thing after I shoved my cousin Eden out of the way to intercept the bridal bouquet at the last family wedding.

The highlight of the day was beating a better team that several of our better men had defected to. If Ted had a soundtrack playing while we were shaking hands at the end of the game it would have been, “I’m Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves.

San Jose has been having a drought so the ground was like cement with some grass thrown over it on which our cleats could find no purchase. We were all slipping and falling which we thought was comical until the groin and leg muscles started ripping. I hit the ground hard a couple of times and today I am so sore that I screamed when I sneezed.

The bad news is that some punks went on a real crime spree in the parking lot of the high school where the tournament was held. A slew of cars were burglarized and several windows were smashed. Elizabeth’s purse with BOTH of our wallets was stolen out of our car, which the little assholes jimmied open. So, we been canceling credit cards, filing police reports, and doing all of that other tedious business to restore our affairs in order. The perpetrators used Elizabeth's card to gas up, but that's all they managed to do before we canceled the cards. I hope you fry in hell, delinquents!

Yesterday was a very inauspicious day. Eleanor had a woodworking accident and nearly severed her left index finger (which I call my shushing finger), destroying her handmodeling dreams. I wish that we could regenerate like starfish but since we can't, let's all be extra careful with our digits.

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