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Thursday, March 18, 2004

Dog Daze

We're having an extended spell of unusually hot weather in the city, and it has filled me with torpor. I've spent most of this day at the reference desk, narcotized by the heat, listlessly thumbing through a folder of incident reports filed at this branch. This branch sees a whole lot of action so the folder is as thick as a biblical concordance and provides almost endless entertainment. Poring over these old incident reports is usually an activity that I take great pleasure in, but today even reading seems like too much effort.

Here are some highlights:

Why are homeless junkies so petty and vindictive? After being told that he couldn't sleep in the outdoor patio, one citizen of the streets systematically smeared every single one of the library's padlocks with his shit. I guess he showed the library.

A majority of the reports features the heavily trafficked bathroom, in which junkies love to shoot up and the homeless to bathe. Now patrons have to sign and time their usage. That stalwart toilet has suffered a lot of abuse, but it has been understandably temperamental ever since someone tried to flush a tennis shoe down it.

I liked this recent one. This elderly woman with a garish make-up and a teased up Dolly Parton wig told a staff member who had reprimanded her for interrupting the staff member while she was helping another patron,

"Too bad you ain't getting any. Maybe you should try smiling once in a while cuz you certainly need to get laid." After dispensing that advice, that old male panacea for female bitchiness, she left the library cackling and snapping her fingers, extraordinarily pleased with herself.

Which reminds me... one time my friend Elka was being snappish and her no nonsense receptionist, Regina, advised,

"Girl, you need to get you some vitamin D."

When Elka looked at her quizzically, Regina replied,

"You know what I'm talking about."

More when I'm not so lethargic and dull from the heat.

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