Saturday, December 04, 2004

The Latest News from Skidrowbegon 

Last reported, local street minx Loretta had been evicted from her 4th residential hotel room. Loretta was cast out because of her Looking for Mr. Goodbar habit of cruising and picking up fellow vagrants. When she is living in the park she entertains them in the public restroom stall, much to the horror and amazement of passersby, but when she has a room she entices them back there with her ample (Loretta weighs about 250 pounds) boozy charm. After working up an appetite with lots of raucous love making, she and her beau of the moment typically cook up a little something to eat on the fire hazard hotplate. They will then pair their meal with about 10 bottles of Ripple and maybe some crack. Loretta is not always a happy drunk, however, and some drunken misunderstanding inevitably ensues which then leads to a murderous fight. Loretta is real a wildcat and the police always have to come referee and let me tell you from my days as a clerk at the Sheriff’s Office there is nothing cops hate more than a domestic. These residential hotel rooms are provided and paid by the city’s taxpayers, but because this city is truly enabling and codependent, it has decided to give her just one more chance (and they REALLY mean it this time) at a room under the strict condition she has absolutely no visitors.

Loretta, like a puffy incarnation of Donatello's Repentant Magdalene, was quite the picture of pathos as she and her stolen Safeway cart brimming with her urine soaked blankets wended their way toward the park. Even if the taxpayer has to underwrite it, I can’t help but be glad that she is being given one more chance to be off the streets now that winter is here.

Loretta's comrade Steve-o took the loss of Punky particularly hard, and vanished from the neighborhood like so much crack smoke in the wind shortly after Punky's untimely death. I feared the worst, although I really shouldn't have, because his type seems to disappear and return cyclically and unwelcomingly, like a herpes outbreak. The Feisty Old Broad informed me that Steve-o has been emotionally and spiritually convalescing in HAWAII. He used his new SSI income to finance his vacation.

Skidrowbegon! I love it! I'm jealous I didn't think of it myself. I really do need a better name for my neck of the woods that Scum or Springertown.

Winter's really hard. We don't have nearly enough publicly-funded help for the homeless, barely even any shelters let alone anything like subsidized housing or hotels. Which is why they all come to sleep in the library, of course. Sigh.
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